Getting started with all the wonderful plans I have for 2012 is proving a bit more difficult than expected. Being sick for the first month and a half helped put off 99% of plans for physical fitness, but I’m hoping that will soon pick up.

I did get a new job yesterday actually which is excellent, since going to the old one everyday was becoming torture. It’s amazing how when you aren’t happy being in customer/tech support can be horrific. The ability to put on a bubbly attitude at the drop of a hat gets a wee bit harder as each day progresses. I am looking forward to what is to come. Learning new things, being challenged, it will be good.

Trying to take an honest look at the whole picture that is my life has been hard, seeing the truth in everything. Specifically where I am heading and what my future holds, and what I truly want. I’m discovering that turning this way of thinking off is near impossible. Everything is under examination: my relationship, my friends, everything. Are the decisions I make actually leading me to where I want to end up?, and where exactly is that? Career? Marriage? Kids?

I got an email a week or so ago from an old co-worker I haven’t seen in 5 years, and of course the first questions asked are if I’m married with kids yet. I replied no on both accounts. She responded saying she was glad I was doing well but really hopes I have kids one day as she feels I would make a terrific mother. Sigh..thanks. That of course gets me thinking about the kids question, and where my current relationship stands…

It’s a new year, my 30th to be exact, and like most people at this age and at this time of the year I’m trying to do all the things I always wanted to but never have. Including this blog and writing again in general.

For the last four years I have settled into a life that kinda crept up on me: a job that is just a job, seeing less of friends, doing less of what I love in favour of sleep, trying fewer and fewer new things or putting off things I really wanted to do because I was too afraid. I have made mistakes and wasted opportunities I was lucky to have.

With all that being said I have had good things happen to me as well within that time. I have found a partner and  friend, and I have to say he is pretty great. I feel supported and encouraged, which has also given me a boost to get this going. I have made new friends and reconnected with old ones that were greatly missed.

What really got me thinking about all those things was my ex Dan. I found out just before Christmas that Dan had passed away, and had been dead for over a year. I had no idea, none. What was worse was that he had emailed me for the first time in years to wish me a happy birthday and check in and see how I was doing 4 days before he died. I was floored and incredibly sadden. We hadn’t stayed in touch much, as we were young when we dated and he was a self-admitted asshole of a boyfriend to me but still. I could not believe that I would have never found out had I not done a random Google search for an updated email address to wish him a happy Solstice and stumbled across his obit.

Of course after the initial shock wore off I kept thinking about how young he was, how young I still am, and how much time I have wasted being afraid. There are a lot of things I still want to do and try and I’m not getting any younger, so I should get moving!

Yes, it is cliché BUT true nonetheless, so here goes nothing!